Dirty dancing or good, clean fun at Exeter High?

YOUR COMMENTS

The fact is--teens will always try to push the limits--it is what they do. It is part of their entry into the adult world. It is the responsibility of the adults in society to guide them by maintaining social expectations of appropriate behavior. Each generation of adults has had to decide where to draw the line. It becomes worrisome when the parents no longer want to allow adults in charge to judge where that line should be drawn (and the school employees are the ones who have stand by, uncomfortably, and watch the kids "dry-humping".) Maybe the parents should have to take turns chaperoning and "dancing" with the kids to see if they still think it is innocent fun.
- Patricia, Raymond

It is time for this to NOT be in the NEWS, come on people, let the kids be and if the girls want to look like tramps, then so be it. becuase it is the girls that look bad, the guys just look like they are getting a good feel. I can see both sides, but again looking at the girls with the short skirts rising up to their butts, they are the ones that are looking cheap. I was at one of the dances and I did see the grinding that went on, and I couldn't help but think, "I'm so glad my daughter has more respect for herself then some of these girls!" Get back to having fun and dancing, with out getting body burns.
- EHS tax payer, Brentwood

Why is this so complicated? Set the expectation for appropriate school behavior and ask those who are inappropriate to leave. Turn on a few more lights to make supervision easier. (These dances are nearly pitch dark). Group punishment is inappropriate and ineffective.
I work with students from other high schools and all that this controversy has done is make Exeter High School the laughing stock of the state.
- Mom 2 students, Exeter

Citizen in Exeter,
“Body close to body with hips swaying in sync” is not grinding. The only way to forbid that at dances is to go around with a ruler and make sure everyone has six inches between each body. I don’t think that is what Sokul is advocating.
- Jim, Manchester

David Blizzard,
Now what is stopping the students at your High School from grinding at the dance and then later “go out and knock each other up outside of supervision and get pregnant” ? Lack of arousal?? Like you said, sex is going to happen, there is no stopping that either. So why not send the right message while you can?
- Jim, Manchester

I completly disagree with people blaming it on the music. I listen to all different types of music, it doesn't make me want to grind, or do drugs, or commit a criminal act. Take some personal responsibility for what we teach our children and stop blaming outside sources!
- Angela, Manchester

This is about the administration that is more wrapped up in itself than in the students. We have had some great principals in Exeter, but ever since the palace builders came to town, it has been the administration first, and the students last. Maybe he should take down the spy cameras and spend time with the students
- Dan, Exeter

It is inappropriate sexual contact, not dancing. When students are on school property, at a school function, and an adult asks them to stop their inappropriate behavior, then the student should stop. It should be that simple.
- KN, Hillsboro

Sokul needs to get in touch with the rest of the world. He talks about this like grinding is a problem only in Exeter High School, but East High School here in Morristown has grinding in the dances, and out Principle is fine with it. He realises that it is more trouble to try to stop it than the amount of trouble they get in to themselves. You won't stop it completely. It is pointless to try. To the students of Exeter High School, I'm sorry that your principal has brought this attention upon you, and i can see apparently clearer than others that you are being treated and labeled unfairly when schools all over America are just as bad if not worse. To Sokul-Its better they grind in school supervised than go out and knock each other up outside of supervision and get pregnant, which has happened to people banned from dances here. Grinding is going to happen, there is no stopping it.
- David W. Blizzard, Morristown, Tennessee

Grinding should be banned. It is clearly an entry-level activity that can only lead to more serious offenses like rubbing and petting. We need to 'just say no' to grinding before it destroys our society.
- Dan, Auburn

I'm a high school student, and I don't really participate in dances, however I do hear about grinding...quite a lot. Even back in middle school, they had what you would call 'grinding'. Pretty ridiculous, seeing as how a handful of the students did not really even know what they were doing. Sure, some were doing it for fun and giggles, but others...well, they wanted that kind of thrill, if you will. It's not that avoidable in high school, but still not pleasant for those who do not wish to see it. It's definitely not acceptable for a bunch of middle schoolers, either. I say, if it goes to an extreme level, teachers should have every right to dismiss the students like they would if he or she got into a physical controversion. The SCHOOL is throwing the party FOR the students. Least they can do is listen-and the least the school can do, is enforce the rules.
- Kitt, Manchester

Frankly, I think that many of you are being rediculous... reality check- people don't do the fox trot anymore. So all of the "older" people commenting on this dance style should open their eyes and realize that; since it's probably obvious you've never done that kind of dancing anyways.
This school isn't the only school that has this kind of dancing if you haven't realized and it's turning into a bigger deal than it should be.
From personal experience, when i am at these dances, and grinding with others im not thinking of have sex with them or in anyway trying to be sexual, and shame on the people who are. All it is, is body close to body with hips swaying in sync.
Cancelling all dances, like prom too? or did that just slip your minds. Every high schooler deserves a prom and its so rude that anyone would even think of doing that.
And surprisingly about half the teachers i know think that this IS rediculous and that it's been going on for a while but all of a sudden NOW they decide that it's innappropriate.
The dances are also a great way to be social and meet people you can't just meet easily at school during the day.
So people, really think of what your saying and think back to when you were in high school, say 20-30 years ago; when you were dancing at your dances, were the moves considered scandalous? probably, yet you did it anyways becuase you KNEW it wasn't a big deal like everyone made it out to be.
- Citizen, Exeter

Jane Duarte wants the police and AG to check into a specific type of dancing, whether it's sexually oriented or not, to decide it it's legal? I thought Footloose was a movie. It was a good movie, but this is real life Jane.
- Aaron, Manchester NH

To all of you who think there's nothing sexual, or nothing wrong with grinding, let me propose this:

Ladies, you are standing in line at a store and a man you don't know comes up behind you and "grinds" you. Would you like the police to arrest him? Why? It's not like it's sexual, right?

Gentlemen, what do you suppose would happen to YOU if you went up behind a woman you didn't know and did some "grinding?"

Let me help you all out. That would constitute something called SEXUAL ASSAULT. The word "sexual" is in there for a reason, people. You can't "grind" your genitals (clothed or not) into someone else without it being a sexually motivated act. If you can't see that it has no place at a High School dance, then you aren't mature enough to be out unsupervised.
- Mark, Bedford

Wow 50 Years Later and Parents are complaining about the same thing that they probably did during their own teen years. ????? Let's look at History, Elvis, Dirty Dancing(The Movie), MTV, VH1, Movies, Even Day Time Soaps, Do REALLY THINK It will Stop?????? Wake Up and Smell the Coffee. It Won't.
- E J, Manchester

Any adult that thinks this is something new is horribly out of touch. This sort of thing was going on when I was in high school 10 years ago and I'm sure it was going on when my parents were in high school.

If they aren't engaging in this sort of behavior at a high school dance you better believe they are doing it in their bedrooms, cars, or anywhere else.

But let's hear some more poorly constructed slippery slope debates from the conservative peanut gallery.
- Michael, Manchester

Why is this only a problem with Exeter High School? Is there something in the water? No, these are kids being kids.

I grew up in the 60's. Anything went. And I turned out OK. We had dances back then, and believe it or not, dances are great experiences for socially and culturally interacting. They happen in all societies, not just Exeter NH, USofA.

And we did our our kind of grinding, perhaps not so blatent, but no less innocent fun.

Let's look at basic facts. Boys. Girls. Teens. Hormones. Tribal Music (yes, it has always been tribal music). What a potent chemical mixture! I would rather have teens grinding at a dance on a gymnasium floor under adult supervision than grinding in the back seat of the BEAMER at the Milford Drive-In.....
- Steve V., Exeter

Alex in Manchester,
a. Standing on the table and yelling obscenities is legal too. Is that appropriate behavior at a school dance in this “new day in age?”
Felipe in Bedford,
a. Actually, it IS an awful lot like the kids are having sex on the dance floor.
b. This is not about what schools ARE like. It’s about what school SHOULD BE like.
c. Personally I’d like to be able to send my kid to a public school dance on not have them see graphic demonstrations of various sex positions.
Brian in Hooksett,
a. Your reverse psychology suggestion would work for 6 year olds hitting each other, not for 16 year old walking hormones dealing with sex.
K.K. in N. Hampton,
a. Actually no, sex isn’t an unknown for most parents (its kind of a prerequisite) and yes, dry humping (on and off the dance floor) is a warm up exercise for the real thing.
b. I think the school staff is doing their best on drugs and alcohol as well as this issue.
c. Studies show that disciplining the small issues makes a lot of the big issues never arise. I believe that is Mr. Sokul’s philosophy.
d. Parents and schools need to work together. WHEN parents fail to teach their kids right and wrong (like the parents mentioned in the article), what is a school to do? ‘That kid has worthless parents so let him do what ever he wants’ sounds like your suggestion. Unfortunately that approach has been tried and found to lead to even bigger problems down the toad for the school and society. It’s illegal to expel them so the school ends up picking up SOME of the parents slack and we wind up with health and sex education classes and all these safety, drugs, and alcohol special events and pretty soon half the kids can’t read or add because the schools have become so distracted doing the parents’ job. So: PARENTS IN EXETER, BACK UP YOUR PRINCIPAL ON THIS!
- Jim, Manchester

As a former "grinder" myself, I don't see anything wrong with it. But, I do think students should be listening to teachers. They are the adults and authority figures at these events. Just like sitting in a classroom. If they say not to do it, it shouldn't be done. But, I also don't think dances should be canceled, that's penalizing students who did nothing wrong. If someone is dancing in appropriately, give them one warning then throw them out.

If I had spoke back to a teacher, my Father would have kicked my butt. A little fear of your parents is a good thing.
- DJ, Amherst, NH

Parents today are worse then the kids. These parents are sticking up for a dance that the teachers deemed not appropriate. Plain and simple no dirty dancing allowed. If caught then do not complain about the consequences.
- nancy, kensington,NH

This and the related stories, and the comments make the point - but don't quite get the point.

Part of education, especially public, is to teach our youth something about appropriate ethical and social behavior.

Clearly grinding makes some uncomfortable. And let's be honest, it does push the limits and for some, they go beyond the limits - if not at a dance for all to be welcome and have a great time, in somebody's basement or wherever.

Social conduct calls for compromise and discretion - respect for the standards of others, and not to shock or offend. The idea we should be able to do whatever we want, wherever we want - well just think it out and it's easy to see where that goes.

When you get down to it, isn't the idea of doing whatever you want, wherever you want - childish?

And isn't that the real point - helping children grow into adults who respect we are all in this world together and need to find the middle ground for getting along?

Taking hormones and shaking them up is explosive enough. Add to that the idea that we should be free to set off explosions where and whenever we want is kind of... not good.

And when it comes to a question of harm - the idea that we should be able to drink, drug, do sexually suggestive or even wild and crazy things whenever, wherever is a loaded gun just waiting for somebody to pull the trigger. And then it might be too late. Is that a fair point?
- RP, New Boston

Why are they canceling dances? Why isn't this as simple as kick the offenders and let the rest stay?
- Jeff, Manchester

Ok so I am not going to be the popular poster today but thats ok. I agree with those of you that think that the whole drinking and drugs thing is way more important than screening the types of dances kids do. I think that the adults in this case are way out of touch with the times and with their kids... Big suprise most parents are. I don't see anything wrong with the grinding. Just because students grind doesn't mean they are going to go jump in the sack together. If the parents did their job there shouldn't be such a problem. I've been to an Exeter dance about 4 years ago and I didn't leave there thinking OMG we have a problem.
I agree with William Smith. These parents are just afraid of the unknown. They didn't do it in school so it must be wrong. Lets attack some real problems!!!
- K.K., N. Hampton

My wife and I attended a family function last year where there was dancing. There were some family members who were "grinding" and it made me and my wife feel extremely uncomfortable. I really have no interest in seeing a family member, or anybody for that matter, doing this activity. And I am no prude by any stretch. But for children to be allowed to conduct themselves this way is totally unacceptable. Go Mr. Sokul!!! Stand up for yur convictions.
- Don, Rochester

Julie from Manchester hit this right on the head. Stop playing the songs you play. Have any of the administrators at the school listened to the hip hop lyrics that are being played? I'm 25 years old - and these lyrics are disgusting and only encourage this behavior.
- Phil Hubbard, Northfield, NH

Your kidding right? Let the kids do whatever they want to, I guarantee whatever they are doing at that dance is tame compared to whats going on outside of school dances.
People need to stop being old prudes from the 60's and 70's and get with the times.
Let the kids do whatever they want because telling them no is just going to make them do it more. If we encouraged it, it wouldn't be fun anymore and they would most likely stop.
- Brian, Hooksett

I didnt know that there was a law that prevents grinding....to see if it is legal? Poilce and the county attorney most likely have more priorities on their plate then to see if it is legal....give me a break...ok the kids were told to stop, so they should listen, but come on we all attended our school dances and danced with a boy or girl, arms around each other, wait isnt that too close to one another...
- Vinn, Bedford

Sounds to me like the inmates are being allowed to run the asylum in Exeter. If the school says it isn't allowed then it is not allowed. Letting 15-17 year olds have a say in the matter is a bit like allowing the fox to tell the hens how to lock up the henhouse at night. Here is a slightly better answer. Hey kid, when you are 18 then you will be a legal adult. Until then, close your mouth, study and graduate.
- Eric S., Belmont.NH

This is stupid. they really have no more time in their lives to bitch about something else. teenagers are teenagers and they will do what they want. stop complaining about this and let the kids dance. its not like they are having sex on the dancew floor. the schools are not "grease" anymore and they dont sit around doing the hand jive all night long. so everyone should just take a chill pill and let the kids dance
- Felipe, Bedford NH

What ever happened to following the rules or suffering the consequences? I went to EHS many decades ago and when a chaperone told you that you were slow-dancing too close and to stop it or leave the dance.... you stopped it! My parents always supported the teachers, chaperones, or even the neighbors when it came to us kids. THE ADULT WAS ALWAYS RIGHT. Now we have a generation of parents who want to be their kids 'friend' instead of parenting them and teaching them to respect rules and respect others! I am horrified to hear there were parents at this meeting that were defending their teenage children grinding with others at a school dance! Shame on you! I am curious though.... when would you as a parent classify grinding as going to far?
- Debra, Exeter

We have the same issue at our school in Manch-vegas. My opinion-if you want them to stop grinding STOP PLAYING THE KIND OF MUSIC THAT ENCOURAGES IT! And since when did the Principal lose the ability to make decisions for his school? What a sad state of affairs. Parents have failed to teach their kids to respect themselves and are now teaching them to not respect authority by challenging Mr. Sokul.
- Julie, Manchester

When did we come up with this "new name" for the same old activity known as DRY HUMPING. It's always been done, it's just not appropriate at dances. Where are the chaperones? This kind of thing should not be allowed, it is obviously two people getting sexually aroused and then what? Why is everyone pretending that it is a dance? Mimicking doggy style on a dance floor is not a dance, period.
- BARBRA, MANCHESTER

Grinding isn't sexual? So would it be perfectly acceptable for a brother and sister to dance together in this manner?

Rich from Manchester got it right. It was a directive from the school authorities. If you don't like it, you're free to attend a more 'open minded' school.
- CJ, North Conway

Oh right....in a few years they will be saying...what's wrong with naked dancing...it's the new generation. People have no values or morals these days. If some kids want to grind, fine. Do it at home in front of your parents and let them enjoy it. Don't shove your lack of morals and values on others that are trying to be respectful.
- Ann Theresa, Portland , Ct

I agree with Rick - these kids were told this is inappropriate in the school sponsored setting and they continue to do it anyways.
Any child caught doing this should be banned from school dances for the rest of the year and let the kids who want to follow the rules enjoy themselves!
I volunteer to chaparone!
- Catherine, Exeter, NH

Let me start by saying that I am neither a "Hoe" (todays terminology) nor am I an "old prude" ('50's terminology). I was born in the '60's, grew up in the '80's and still have alot of growing up to do. I have worked in school settings as a custodian and have witnessed, first- hand, this "grinding". Ages in high school can range from 13 up to 19 or (pushing it, no pun intended), 20. If an 18 y.o. was "grinding" with a 15 y.o., what do you suppose would happen? Would he be arrested? SHOULD he be? And if the ages are reversed, shouldn't she be? I think so...
Even if the 2 "grinders" are age compatible, it is still being done in the presence of minors, in a gymnasium where the only light is coming from the d.j.'s mixer.
Young girls ( yes girls, not women) bent over in public with their boy (yes boy, not man) pushing his pelvis against hers for hours on end is dancing? Gimme a break, Victor....BAN IT!
- john, bow

my sisters kids go to exeter, I would be more concerned with all the drugs and drinking as well as the teen sex and pregnancy that is so rampant among the exeter teens. My neice has friends in the 9th grade that try to get her to do Oxy's and heroin all the time. there is more of a problem there than a dance, maybe the parents and techers there should wake up.
- Rick, Lee

Kids are going to grind, that is what they see on TV as the "Popular" things to do. therefore is it better to have them grind in a supervised event where there is some control, or would you rather have them take it underground and there is a stronger chance if alcohal and drugs being including. Instead of spending money on fighting grinding, spend the money on sex education.
- Dan, Londonderry

This isn't even about "grinding" anymore.

These are kids.

They have been told to do somthing, by people who have the right to tell then what to do.

They haven't done it.

They forfeit all priveledges, period.

Sokol should stop this "hearing all sides" nonsense and cancell all the remaining dances.
- Rich, Manchester

So, Exeter is now the little town in "Footloose."

Greaaaaaaaaaaat.
- William Smith, Manchester, NH

Most students think an anything goes policy is the best policy, as do some teachers. If the students want to go to a dance were "grinding" is allowed, then start a dance club and use a facility that will support your activity. "Grinding" as described to me by someone who is an adult dealing w/teenagers for work has described "Grinding" and it is 100% innapropriate at a "School" supported dance. Rules are just that, limitations on what can be done at a place sponsering an activity. If you don't like it, take "Your" activity somewhere else.
- Michael King, Epping

damnn i didnt ever think i would read something so rediculous. i dont think its that big of a deal for students to be "grinding" at a school dance. its a new day in age and we aren't all doing the disco these days. things have chaged over time and dances may seem sexual but its all legal.
- alex, manchester

The problem is that Victor P. Sokul, Jr. is out of sync with society, as are his staff.

As went his boss last year, so should he go.

I would identify myself, but Mr. Sokul would sick his staff on my kids.

If the Union Leader wants emails from him and his staff that clearly show a great lack of concern about day to day issues, let me know.

They are out of touch, they are concerned about the wrong things, they cater to their own group.

I hope the teachers stand up and say no, now.
- Citizen, Exteter, NH

I think the Police and DA have more important things to do than check to see if grinding is legal. This should be handled by the schools, parents, students and school board.

Set the rules, make them clear and if they are broken, the student offenders will know what they did wrong.

Our taxes are high enough as it is without having grinding becoming a legal matter.
- Joe, Concord