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Didn't that Manchester bank robber last week know that if you are going to rob a bank on Elm Street, ManchVegas, you are supposed to tape a tree to your head?
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Joe McQuaid: Soldiering on despite surgery, I mull handicapped-parking, TV drug ads
By JOSEPH W. MCQUAID
New Hampshire Union Leader Publisher
Monday, Nov. 30, 2009
if this column looks a bit ragged and lacks a few capital letters, too bad. that's what.
YOU get when i type one-handed.
I AM reminded of a long dead and all-but-forgotten newspaper guy named don Marquis. his column featured a cockroach named archy who would sometimes write the column by hurling himself at the typewriter keys from a shelf above the guy's desk.
naturally, archy was unable to capitalize because he couldn't hit the shift key at the same time.
ok. that hurt.
i mentioned here last week my minor hand surgery. i would like to complain further. but when the doctor who assisted is an Air Force lt. colonel on a fellowship to learn more plastic surgery to help treat the guys he has served with in afghanistan, even i find it hard to be a wimp.
that column referenced handicapped parking, which got a couple of readers rushing to defend their own placards and fuming at my supposed insensitivity. they needed the placards, they said, because either they or their relatives had heart problems or alzheimer's.
to which i reply, hmmm. i don't recall questioning ALL such placards (I used caps lock for that ALL word). i merely noted that i often see people who appear able-bodied with those cards and wondered whether my hand would qualify me. at the risk -- no -- the VIRTUAL CERTAINTY that this will agitate them even more, i will note that some people cannot take a joke.
so i probably shouldn't press my luck anymore in the medical area but i will.
you know all the ridiculous tv drug warnings, right? like the one that advises you to tell your doctor if you have been in a state of passion for more than two days.
i heard one the other day that's the best yet. not sure of the product, but i swear to you on a stack of thanksgiving leftovers that it said:
call your doctor if your tongue swells and your throat closes on you.
huh?
can you imagine how such a call would go?
"hello. doctor's office."
"arrrggghh!"
"could you repeat that, please?"
"arrggh!''
"You have reached the doctor's office. If this is a true emergency, hang up and dial 911. Otherwise, hang on. your call is important to us."
"argh?"
Write to Joe McQuaid at publisher@unionleader.com.

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Andrew Cline has been editorial page editor of the New Hampshire Union Leader since October of 2001. His writing has appeared in more than 100 newspapers and magazines, including The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and National Review.
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YOUR COMMENTS
If YOU want a close -up parking spot just use the FIRE LANE like most people do. Really really REALLY gets my blood boiling when I see that. hOW BOut a piece on that? Next time you go to a store, take notice how many actually do that. As I enter the store I usually wonder OUT LOUD if they couldn't find a spot
- Tony, Manch
Michael Carr et al, you illustrate that entitlements aren't charity. Actual charity--say, I giving up my parking space for someone in need--would involve scrutiny that the person was really in need, and withdrawal of the charity if I saw I were being used. The entitlement was enacted specifically to preclude scrutiny (and to establish yet another excuse for government dictating the use of private property). Many people who use the privilege don't need it, including one person in town who just attacked the welfare state to me and induced me to cite handicapped parking as an instance. They had a defense of their placard, which was true at the time. "And it isn't really stealing, and I don't use it often." As always, the waste of our money is trivial compared to the destruction of the American character.
Now, Mr. McQuaid, do you no longer have access to a copy editor?
- Spike, Brentwood NH
Mr. McQaid,
These last two editorials are great. I, unlike some people, get the joke, and it is hysterical.
I too ponder the sames thughts when I see someone with t he placard get out of their car in the rain and jog into the store.
It is a shame that some people cannot understand a good ribbing when they read it.
One last thing, When I lived back in RI I had a neighbor whose wife was walking disabled, she had had a hip replacement that went seriously wrong and there was significant damage to the muscles and tendons and she walked with a cane. SHe applied for and was granted a placard. Now her husband Jim use to take her to the nearby supermarket and I noticed that everytime I saw them there he would pull up to the front entrance and drop her off and then park in the handicapped spot and wait for her to come out. So one day I was over there watching a ballgame on T.V. and I asked him why he does that and he said well I don't want her to have to walk trough the parking lot. Admirable I thought, he then said that he always no matter where they go does the same thing. So I asked him why he even used the placard when he could drop her off at the door and watch for her and then drive up to her from a regular space. He said and this is the gods honest truth "Well we go dancing every Friday night and sometimes I have a little too much to drink and it is easier for her to guide me to the car if it is in one of the closest parking spots."
Also Mr Mquaid, I am going to use the injured hand defense for my tiping errors too.
- Steve Micke, Freedom
I suggest this legislation: people who use handicap parking spaces illegally will be made handicapped. There, we can make them legal again. I'm an idea man.
- Tom, Dover-Foxcroft, Me.
There would be no problem with the handicapped placards if the law was followed. It specifically states that the placard can ONLY BE USED when the handicapped individual is IN the vehicle. It's not meant for daughter Judy to run to the mall, or the wife to drop by Wal-Mart. As a "walking disabled" (read the law) placard holder I get upset when my wife takes me somewhere and some yahoo has parked ILLEGALLY in a handicapped parking spot. I don't know why the law is not enforced, but I guess there are bigger fish to fry. Just speaking my peace.
- Michael Carr, Epping, NH
Here's some help for your one-handed shift-key use.
Windows XP:
Start -> Control Panel -> Accessibility Options -> StickyKeys
OS X:
Apple menu -> System Preferences -> Universal Access -> Keyboard tab -> StickyKeys
- Matthew, Manchester
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