The Republican presidential candidates continue to talk about what they would do on Day 1 should they be elected. That got me to pondering, and I came up with a list of my own Day 1 executive orders and other initiatives of paramount importance. These are by no means exhaustive -- or intelligent.

* Order NIH scientists to drop all less-critical work and invent a flavoring that makes anything taste *exactly* like bacon.

* Hire Mel Brooks as my press secretary.

* Retire Air Force One. Replace it with a B-17 Flying Fortress.

* Order all White House personnel to wear mustaches, mutton chops or Van Dykes. But not on Thursdays.

* Rename the East Ballroom the Jake and Elwood Blues Performing Arts Center.

* Order a baseball cap featuring a photo of my finger on The Button, with a caption saying, "All options remain on the table." Wear it at every press conference.

* Make Jack White the official White House "on hold" musician.

* Build a regulation Major League Baseball field in the back yard and declare it the home field of the Washington Nationals.

* Declare the NCAA men's basketball tournament a national holiday. Except for Duke games.

* Ask the British to return the bust of Winston Churchill, and throw in one each of Margaret Thatcher and Keith Richards.

* Declare the possession arrow a threat to national security, order the Justice Department to arrest and detain indefinitely anyone caught using it.

* Order flames painted on the front of the presidential limo.

* Order all drink machines in all federal buildings replaced with soda fountains.

* Command my Secret Service detail to wear seersucker suits, bow ties and bucks.

* Declare every Friday National Target Practice Day.

* Have the Oval Office fitted with a foosball table, dart board and bitchin sound system. Order the Secret Service not to let the vice president use it -- ever.

* Nuke Duke