Joe McQuaid's Publisher's Notes: Confused as to how deer use antler spray
Timing really is everything. If I hadn't stashed away my bottle of deer antler spray before Thomas Q. Public could find it at the end of the last golf season, he may have caught on to why my buddy, B.C., and I beat him like a red-headed stepson on one memorable occasion at our favorite municipal golf course.
Instead, it was poor Vijay Singh who fessed up to spraying.
"I am absolutely shocked that deer antler spray may contain a banned substance and am angry that I have put myself in this position," Singh sang.
I, too, am shocked. Seriously.
I'm kidding about any personal use of the stuff. I am shocked that it is being used by anyone other than the deer.
Actually, I'm also confused by this. Why would deer spray their own antlers and how could they hold the can with those tiny hooves anyway? Must remember to ask my outdoor buddy, John Harrigan. He'll know.
And who was the first human who figured out that what may be good for a doe ought to be worth a couple of bucks?
The Professional Golfers Assn. has instituted a program to combat this kind of thing. It refers to what would happen in the event of a "positive doping test."
I'd say Vijah already passed the positive dope exam.
Sticking with today's sports theme, I note that the son of a colleague here at work is getting a look from UNH for football.
He hasn't been offered a scholarship just yet, but our story said he had been offered a spot as a "preferred walk-on."
What a coincidence. When I went to UNH and considered trying out for the golf team, I was told they would prefer it if I would just walk off.
This kind of thing happened to me back in grade school, too. You see, I didn't know about antler spray at the time. At recess, I was one of those last-kids-picked. Very traumatic.
So imagine my surprise to see a headline about a three-judge panel in Washington ordering a halt to "recess picks."
"It's about time," was my initial thought. "Serves those athletic types right that someone finally complained to the authorities."
Alas, the headline referenced a court telling President Obama he couldn't put people in federal jobs when the U.S. Senate wasn't technically in recess.
That made me feel nearly dope-positive enough to want a cup of the new Starbucks coffee flavor. No lie. It's called "Blonde."
Let the email roll!
Write to Joe McQuaid at email@example.com or via Twitter at?@deucecrew.