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Joe McQuaid's Publisher's Notes: Golf tips they won't teach you at the club

By JOE McQUAID
August 26. 2018 8:18PM


The lady of the little house is a saint. This is well established, but it keeps being reinforced. Last week, she promised to take oldest grandson, Ike, and a friend to a new mini-golf joint.

But the new course, while nice, was just that: a mini-golf layout. It had none of the other amenities that can attract and hold kids’ attention for longer than 8.6 minutes.

I would have told the boys to suck it up and play the ball where it lies. But not this lady. She drove 45 minutes to another course, and the kids had a blast. They may not remember it when they get older. But I will.

I will also try to remember that the rules of civility are under siege, even on the links.

You may have heard of the Bay State golfer who bit off the tip of the index finger of another golfer over slow play.

Right away, questions began popping in my little brain. How slow? Did the poor guy use an interlocking or overlapping grip? Did the biter keep his head down? And, really, HOW slow?

The fracas began when the father of the biter told the bite-ee that his group (of eight, mind you. An eightsome! In a tournament!) was holding up play on the ninth hole.

It didn’t help that some of the eightsome stopped to visit with the beer cart girl. (My friend, B.C., loves to sing a song of his own creation: Everyone loves the beer cart girl!)

The father and the bite-ee tangled. Naturally, the son came to his father’s defense. The son said he found himself in the middle of a scrum and a man’s hand “ended up in his mouth.”

Well, sure. That happens and you really don’t have much choice in these situations. You have to bite your way out. (Which is why I always told my mother that there was something to be gained by watching the Three Stooges.)

It’s probably lucky the combatants weren’t on a dogleg.

The bite-ee told police the noise was like “someone chewing on a Dorito.”

Right here we have hints of micro-transgressions, trigger words, discrimination, PTSD, you name it. I won’t go there.

But I do know it must have affected the bite-ee’s golf game because part of the index finger was found in the guy’s golf glove. Interlocking or overlapping, it’s got to mess with his grip.

It gives a whole new meaning to the term “golf tip.”

It also reminds me of how Carl Spackler suggested Ty Webb deal with Judge Elihu Smails in the Greatest Movie of All Time, “Caddyshack.”

“What you’ve got to do is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg right at the bottom. He’ll never play golf again, because his weight displacement goes back, all his weight is on his right foot, and he’ll push everything off to the right. He’ll never come through on anything. He’ll quit the game.”

Write to Joe McQuaid at Publisher@unionleader.com or on Twitter at @deucecrew.


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