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Garrison Keillor: The true story of last weekend's blizzard

By GARRISON KEILLOR
April 17. 2018 6:58PM




A YUGE BLIZZARD descended on Minnesota over the weekend and all of our people who went south for the winter got back home in time to experience it.

It was truly yuge, a fabulous blizzard and the snow was up to the housetops and the highway patrol said, “Stay in your homes. Do not drive on account of rabid wolves and jackals running loose.” But some of us went out anyway because that’s how we are. America was not settled by the timid.

April 15th is a little late for a blizzard and so there was some bitter complaining but I just strapped on my skis and went out in the storm and yes, there were jackals, but you run into these guys and you just have to deal with them.

I like the sense of timelessness of a blizzard. You think, this is like #ValleyForge, it’s like the #OregonTrail, like #TheRealWestwardExpansion, not that I want to go back to an older time — I don’t — it’s simply a chance to make a fresh start, to reboot.

America is about progress. For school lunch, we used to have chow mein, and now they have pad thai and kung pao chicken, much better. This little phone/camera/newsstand/encyclopedia the size of a pack of cigars that I carry around with me is a godsend. If I forget where I am, I click on the Map icon and it shows me. If I forget the name of the actor who starred in “Gunsmoke,” I simply Google “Gunsmoke” and the word “marshal” and there it is, Bob Dylan. Or I can Google my name and the word “obituary,” and if there isn’t one, I feel sort of reassured.

Words like “totally” and “awesome” are terrific additions to the language. We had the word “awesome” before but we never used it, we associated “awe” with, for example, the sudden appearance of an angel in the room. We didn’t know that somebody’s hair could be awesome, or their family, or their golf course and resort complex.

This blizzard is awesome. A world of dazzling whiteness all around — it’s like what we expected the Rapture to look like, back when this was a Christian nation. The number of Americans who call themselves Christian is in decline, and that includes a lot of hypocrites or fake Christians — the number of those who actually love God with, if not their whole hearts, at least most of their hearts, is a great deal less. This is the fault of Obama and Obamacare.

But now we have a totally Christian President, an awesome and amazing man, a very good man, who has done more for the faith in the past 14 months than all of the other 44 Presidents combined, and who, as a result, has suffered more attacks from slimeballs than anybody but has stayed the course and done the right thing, no collusion with the devil at all, no collusion, none, it’s a witch hunt and which hunters those are I think you know — crooked Democrats. Everybody knows it. Everybody.

He gets no credit for what he’s accomplished. Before he came to office, there was no Twitter, no borders, no terrifically smart missiles. He made cable TV what it is today, the greatest in the world, he made us proud again.

Under Obama, Christians couldn’t worship openly and you couldn’t carry a gun except in parts of Texas and Oklahoma. America was laughed at by our enemies, the Germans laughed, the Japanese, the French mocked us, laughing through their noses, “fnh fnh fnh,” the way they do. He inherited a pitiful weak military and he made it tough again.

He is a great man and the FBI’s attack on him is an attack on the country and all that we stand for, and this blizzard is a sign from heaven: it says, “Global warming? Fnh! Fnh! Fnh!” and it says, “Leave this great white man alone. His business is snow business of yours. What was the FBI looking for? Snow cohens?” You want to see Stormy, we’ll show you stormy.

Does this man look like he’d pay women to do the things they say he paid them to do, and then pay them not to talk about it? They’re making a mountain out of molehills, and putting a pea under the mattress. When you’re a nation like ours, you need a guy like him.

Garrison Keillor lives in Minnesota.


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